Notes from Parenting with Love & Logic Relief Society Workshop (PDF)
Key Principles
Intentional Parenting
Children Learn in Two Ways: What we model for them and their own experiences
1) Model for them the best behavior (what do you do when stressed out, when you are hungry, how do you treat a waiter?)
2) Don’t lecture, make affirming statements like:
3) Allow children to overhear you discussing with your spouse how you managed difficult situations:
4) Help them learn from their own experiences:
5) Attend to the fundamentals of a child’s self-esteem
6) Select appropriate consequences when necessary
Types of Parents
Helicopter Parents: Hover, rescue, & protect.
We think they are the very best parents, but they handicap their children by doing everything for them so that they have no skills to manage adulthood. They send children the message:
Drill Sargeants: “Do it now, my way, or else!
They don’t want their children to make the same mistakes they did. They send messages such as:
Consultant Parents: Give advice, allow child to make as many decisions and mistakes as possible when the price tag is affordable.
Sends the message:
Formula that consultant parents use to discuss problems:
Powerful Quotations
“Raising a child is a moral act.”
“The best control is self-control.”
“Motherhood is hard work, but it is one of the most important things you can do for Heavenly Father.”
“Whenever you feel judged by another parent for your parenting choices, remember that you are building an eternal relationship with that child, so ignore the criticism.”
For More Information
Love & Logic Website: Sign up for the Insider’s Club: They will send you a short e-mail with pointers on raising kids
Parenting Tips: Free Articles on Different Topics from the Love & Logic Website
Linda & Richard Eyre: Parenting Tips & Materials/
Presenter’s Background
Key Principles
- Parents who work hard to make sure their kids are happy, raise kids who don’t know how to make themselves happy.
- Parents who work hard to make sure their kids are never frustrated, raise kids who do not know how to tolerate frustration.
- Kids who do not know how to handle frustration turn to self-destructive behavior.
- When Bright Minds Turn Dark – From University of Utah’s Continuum Magazine
- Utah Has One of the Highest Suicide Rates in the Nation – From the Salt Lake Tribune
- Talk to your kids about suicide.
- Explain that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
- Help them to understand that suicide is not a viable option. Remind them that they have parents who love them and will help them work through this.
Intentional Parenting
Children Learn in Two Ways: What we model for them and their own experiences
1) Model for them the best behavior (what do you do when stressed out, when you are hungry, how do you treat a waiter?)
2) Don’t lecture, make affirming statements like:
- I feel so good after I exercise.
- I love it when my room is organized because I can find everything.
- I don’t like mowing the lawn, but it sure looks great when it is done.
3) Allow children to overhear you discussing with your spouse how you managed difficult situations:
- The clerk gave me too much change, and it would have been easy to keep it, but I chose to return it.
- Someone began discussing something inappropriate, so I chose to leave.
4) Help them learn from their own experiences:
- We want to help them learn themselves.
- Don’t solve their problems.
- Don’t tell them what to do.
5) Attend to the fundamentals of a child’s self-esteem
- Chores
- Give age-appropriate chores
- Give good feedback about the chores they are doing.
- Make statements about the quality of their work, how much their work helps the family, how much they are needed by the family
- Assign chores, but let them trade with each other or with you (models good problem-solving and negotiation skills)
- Make a list of chores and allow them to choose two and sign their name
- Give them a deadline, but let them do it any time between when it was assigned and the deadline (Dinner time or bedtime can be good deadlines b/c if they haven’t completed the chore, then you can say, “We’ll keep your plate warm while you finish that.”)
- Schools
- Help them with homework
- Change the focus to what they did right (i.e., instead of saying, “You only got 2 wrong. Good job!” say “Wow, you got 13 right!”)
- Provide suggestions for making friends
- Respect for Parents
- Choices are an essential part of Heavenly Father’s plan
- “Teach them correct principles and then let them govern themselves.” Joseph Smith
- We want to help children learn how to solve problems at today’s price vs. tomorrow’s price (juvenile court) by giving them enough chances to make decisions and to learn from the consequences.
- Provide clear choices (Do you want to walk on your own or do you want me to carry you out?)
- Provide stability through clear routines.
- Provide opportunities for many choices when they are very young (Do you want to wear gloves or mittens? You can either wear your coat or carry it.)
- ASK them to do things in a nice way instead of TELLING them to do things.
- Sets positive expectations
- Presumes they are capable of making good choices
- Give positive feedback about their choices. (That choice really shows good thinking! That is a great choice!)
- Teach them how to communicate about problems
- I feel . . . (frustrated, worried, etc.)
- When . . . (the dishes don’t get done as was promised; the car isn’t back by the time we agreed)
- Because . . . (then we don’t have cereal bowls; then it makes me late to the places where I need to go)
- Choices are an essential part of Heavenly Father’s plan
- Avoid anger
- Anger models a lack of self-control to the child.
- When you scream and yell at a child, all the child does is deal with your anger and how it affects their self-esteem rather than the real issue.
- “I’m going to leave the room until we are both calm enough to talk about this.”
- “I will discuss this with you as soon as your voice matches mine.”
- “Uh oh, do we need some room time? I’m so sorry that you have to go into time-out. Just as soon as you are back in control of yourself, you can come out. When they come out, “Good job. You got it under control. I know that was hard.”
- “Never let a problem to be solved become more important that a person to be loved.” President Monson
- “We’re not going to talk about this right now. We’ll talk about it another time.
- Relationships
- “Love is more than a feeling, love is a decision.”
- 1 John 4:19 – “We love Him because He loved us first.”
- “The best form of discipline is a relationship.” – Build a strong relationship with them so they want to make you happy.
- Demonstrate your love for them in concrete ways: Hugs, praise, etc.
6) Select appropriate consequences when necessary
- Three types of consequences:
- Natural Consequence: When their problem affects them
- Imposed Consequence: When their problem affects us
- Delayed Consequence: When they aren’t in a space to learn from their mistake (i.e., they just want to argue with you about it)
- Don’t “consequence the consequence” (i.e., if the teacher already took away recess, don’t add another consequence)
- Effective Consequences Are:
- Logical
- Realistic (matches the severity of the misbehavior and is something the child can actually do)
- Leaves dignity (packing a pink coat in the trunk for when the kid doesn’t choose to wear his does NOT maintain dignity)
Types of Parents
Helicopter Parents: Hover, rescue, & protect.
We think they are the very best parents, but they handicap their children by doing everything for them so that they have no skills to manage adulthood. They send children the message:
- You are fragile. You can’t make it without me.
- You need me to run interference.
- You need me to protect you.
- You can’t make it in life without me!
Drill Sargeants: “Do it now, my way, or else!
They don’t want their children to make the same mistakes they did. They send messages such as:
- You can’t think for yourself. I have to do your thinking for you.
- I don’t think you’ll do what you are supposed to unless I supervise every moment.
Consultant Parents: Give advice, allow child to make as many decisions and mistakes as possible when the price tag is affordable.
Sends the message:
- I believe you can solve your own problems.
- I have faith in you.
- I know you will make good choices.
Formula that consultant parents use to discuss problems:
- Empathy: Oh, that must be such a frustrating situation! You must feel so bad!
- Power Message: I know that you (comment on one of the child’s strengths)
- Offer Choices: I have seen x, y, and z work for other people in your situation.
- Verbalize Consequences: State the consequences of both good and bad choices. (Sorry, I don’t remember exactly what she said for this part.)
- Permission to Solve: So what do you think you should do? Give the responsibility and the permission back to the child to solve the problem with your support. Don’t solve it for them.
Powerful Quotations
“Raising a child is a moral act.”
“The best control is self-control.”
“Motherhood is hard work, but it is one of the most important things you can do for Heavenly Father.”
“Whenever you feel judged by another parent for your parenting choices, remember that you are building an eternal relationship with that child, so ignore the criticism.”
For More Information
Love & Logic Website: Sign up for the Insider’s Club: They will send you a short e-mail with pointers on raising kids
Parenting Tips: Free Articles on Different Topics from the Love & Logic Website
Linda & Richard Eyre: Parenting Tips & Materials/
Presenter’s Background
- B.A. in Social Work
- Mother of 8 boys
- Certified trainer
- Local school districts and women’s conference
Children's Class Materials
Children's Class Outline for Parenting with Love & Logic (docx)
Children's Class Outline for Parenting with Love & Logic (PDF)
Children's Class Outline for Parenting with Love & Logic (PDF)
Activities
Choose the Right Maze (Friend, March 2004)
Resources for the Children's Class
Primarily Inclined: Lesson 5: I can make right choices (A lengthy list of activities related to choosing the right)
Teaching Children the Gospel: Category Archives: Choose the Right - Lesson ideas
Teaching Children the Gospel: Category Archives: Choose the Right - Lesson ideas
Stories
Amanda Pratt, CTR Spy (Liahona, August 2000)
Ben Obeys (Friend, Oct. 2006)
David's Lesson (Friend, May 2003)
Fire on the Prairie by Rebecca Todd (Friend, Feb. 1997)
Ben Obeys (Friend, Oct. 2006)
David's Lesson (Friend, May 2003)
Fire on the Prairie by Rebecca Todd (Friend, Feb. 1997)