Enrichment Extravaganza (February 2001)
Note: This activity is based on the book I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg.
Activity Materials
Announcer Cue Cards (Script for Role Play)
Notes
Review of some of the major points from I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better
What does it mean to really listen to someone else? / Have you ever really listened to someone else?
"In the art of communications, the primary key is the ability to listen."
“[Listening] requires emotional strength. Listening involves patience, openness, and the desire to understand—highly developed qualities of character. It’s so much easier to operate from a low emotional level and to give high-level advice.” (Stephen R. Covey)
"We worry more about what we feel and what we want from the situation than we do about really listening."
“It’s amazing how much better my ears work when my mouth is shut.” – p. 120
*If you place yourself in competition you then set yourself up to be manipulated.
*Children learn the art of manipulation at a very young age because we, as parents, usually teach them.
“One of the greatest compliments you can give another person is your complete attention.”
What is validation?
Validation is the act, process, or instance of confirming or corroborating the meaningfulness and relevance of what another person (or self) is feeling.
Validation is being with someone where they are, not where you think they OUGHT to be.
Validating phrases and questions do not contain any answers.
Validation always opens the door to communication, and lack of validation always closes it (p. 175).
In other words—validation is the perfected version of listening—“true charity and genuine love” (p. 296).
How does one go about validating someone else?
Rule 1—Listen to what is being said . . . giving your full attention to the person who is speaking.
Rule 2—Listen to the feelings being expressed. (without trying to talk him out of his feelings (p. 188).
Rule 3—Listen to the needs being expressed.
Rule 4—Understand by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can.
What are some of the benefits of using validation?
Validation reinforces the universal need within each of us to believe: I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me.
“There is increasing scientific evidence that unresolved negative emotions depress our immune systems and cause us to be more vulnerable to many diseases and physical ailments. . . . When we fail to allow others to feel what they are feeling we may inadvertently complicate their lives, mentally and physically.”
When a person is allowed to follow the emotions down as far as he needs to go with someone walking beside him emotionally, then he will bring himself back up.
“We must not go to the depths for them. It won’t work. The daughter was right on when she said, “You’re stealing my emotions” (p. 295)
*When validation is used, the need to complain will likely diminish or disappear . . . someone may keep complaining about something with the hope that we will eventually understand what she is feeling" (p. 193).
“There is also a need to be able to acknowledge our own feelings before we can see the bright side, and to know it is permissible to feel what we are feeling. Once we deal with the emotion, then we are ready to go forward with a more positive attitude.”
*PMA statements are most effective when they follow your spouse’s own positive statements."
"A friend who listens and rejoices with you . . . somehow magnifies the joy" (p. 237).
"Too often we unintentionally teach our children and others not to trust their own feelings."
“We can help each other know that solutions can come from within our selves and that we do not always need to look to someone else. When we learn this at home, it spreads to the next level of the world around us.”
How can I become a better listener?
1) Listen for information (what is s/he saying, feeling, needing?) "I saw how important it was for me to ask her what she needed, not assume what she needed" (p. 246).
Remember:
2) Control your body language. "Your intent, which is shown in your eyes, vocal inflection, and body posture, will probably reach the person before your words do."
3) Remember that questions signal your intent. "Why questions are often indirect ways of saying, 'Defend yourself.' Poor questions are offensive, create a defensive attitude, and shut down understanding.
4) Avoid (tag) questions that contain the answer.
3) Be honest. Remember that you do not have to change your values, opinions, or beliefs when walking emotionally with another person and, ideally, you won’t be trying to change theirs either.
4) Use their words. Each person’s emotional and cultural experiences with words sometimes result in words having different meanings for different people.
5) Get rid of the “buts” in your conversations. No matter how nice the comment is preceding the word “but,” the comment following it is what will be remembered.
6) Don’t interrupt.
7) Encourage the speaker to seek solutions to his or her own problems by asking questions like, “What do you think could be done?” “What have you tried so far?” “What would you like to do?” or “What are your options?”
Closing Thoughts:
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not;
charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own,
is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things,
hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.
--1 Corinthians, 14: 1-8
What does it mean to really listen to someone else? / Have you ever really listened to someone else?
"In the art of communications, the primary key is the ability to listen."
“[Listening] requires emotional strength. Listening involves patience, openness, and the desire to understand—highly developed qualities of character. It’s so much easier to operate from a low emotional level and to give high-level advice.” (Stephen R. Covey)
"We worry more about what we feel and what we want from the situation than we do about really listening."
“It’s amazing how much better my ears work when my mouth is shut.” – p. 120
*If you place yourself in competition you then set yourself up to be manipulated.
*Children learn the art of manipulation at a very young age because we, as parents, usually teach them.
“One of the greatest compliments you can give another person is your complete attention.”
What is validation?
Validation is the act, process, or instance of confirming or corroborating the meaningfulness and relevance of what another person (or self) is feeling.
Validation is being with someone where they are, not where you think they OUGHT to be.
Validating phrases and questions do not contain any answers.
Validation always opens the door to communication, and lack of validation always closes it (p. 175).
In other words—validation is the perfected version of listening—“true charity and genuine love” (p. 296).
How does one go about validating someone else?
Rule 1—Listen to what is being said . . . giving your full attention to the person who is speaking.
Rule 2—Listen to the feelings being expressed. (without trying to talk him out of his feelings (p. 188).
Rule 3—Listen to the needs being expressed.
Rule 4—Understand by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can.
What are some of the benefits of using validation?
Validation reinforces the universal need within each of us to believe: I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me.
“There is increasing scientific evidence that unresolved negative emotions depress our immune systems and cause us to be more vulnerable to many diseases and physical ailments. . . . When we fail to allow others to feel what they are feeling we may inadvertently complicate their lives, mentally and physically.”
When a person is allowed to follow the emotions down as far as he needs to go with someone walking beside him emotionally, then he will bring himself back up.
“We must not go to the depths for them. It won’t work. The daughter was right on when she said, “You’re stealing my emotions” (p. 295)
*When validation is used, the need to complain will likely diminish or disappear . . . someone may keep complaining about something with the hope that we will eventually understand what she is feeling" (p. 193).
“There is also a need to be able to acknowledge our own feelings before we can see the bright side, and to know it is permissible to feel what we are feeling. Once we deal with the emotion, then we are ready to go forward with a more positive attitude.”
*PMA statements are most effective when they follow your spouse’s own positive statements."
"A friend who listens and rejoices with you . . . somehow magnifies the joy" (p. 237).
"Too often we unintentionally teach our children and others not to trust their own feelings."
“We can help each other know that solutions can come from within our selves and that we do not always need to look to someone else. When we learn this at home, it spreads to the next level of the world around us.”
How can I become a better listener?
1) Listen for information (what is s/he saying, feeling, needing?) "I saw how important it was for me to ask her what she needed, not assume what she needed" (p. 246).
Remember:
- I do not have the power to make everything all better for anyone.
- I am not responsible for solving the problems of everyone else.
- Listen to the complaints, validate the feelings, and leave the responsibility where it belongs.
2) Control your body language. "Your intent, which is shown in your eyes, vocal inflection, and body posture, will probably reach the person before your words do."
3) Remember that questions signal your intent. "Why questions are often indirect ways of saying, 'Defend yourself.' Poor questions are offensive, create a defensive attitude, and shut down understanding.
4) Avoid (tag) questions that contain the answer.
- If you supply an answer within the phrase or question, you cease to validate because all you want is to have the other person confirm what you are thinking.
- "When you start thinking up solutions for others, you change the focus to yourself" (p. 279).
- *Indirect messages are not clear communications."
- *Listening becomes invalidating when it ends with advice" (p. 151),
- Advice says you must, and if you don’t you’ll disappoint the advice giver and then you’ll feel guilty and still have the problem.
- *All the validating you do will be lost and meaningless if the conversation ends with advice or a lecture"
- Validating questions are designed to learn more about the person or situation. – p. 86
- Ask validating questions that will help you to learn more about the person or situation. Avoid questions that contain the answer or begin with why. Poor questions create a defensive attitude, signal that you wish to have the other person confirm what you are thinking, and impede understanding. When you start thinking up solutions for others, you change the focus to yourself.
- Good follow-up at a later time will be much more meaningful than a lesson taught in the “heat of the moment” when relationships are strained and an attempt to teach is likely to be perceived as a form of judgment or rejection. It is important to remember that everyone has the right to choose. When we take that “right” away by telling them what to do before they even have a chance to consider what is best for them, we literally force them into choosing the opposite. They are not going to give up their right, even if it means making a wrong choice and the more we preach, the more they will feel compelled to keep defending that point of view through their actions.
3) Be honest. Remember that you do not have to change your values, opinions, or beliefs when walking emotionally with another person and, ideally, you won’t be trying to change theirs either.
4) Use their words. Each person’s emotional and cultural experiences with words sometimes result in words having different meanings for different people.
5) Get rid of the “buts” in your conversations. No matter how nice the comment is preceding the word “but,” the comment following it is what will be remembered.
6) Don’t interrupt.
7) Encourage the speaker to seek solutions to his or her own problems by asking questions like, “What do you think could be done?” “What have you tried so far?” “What would you like to do?” or “What are your options?”
- Effective teaching can happen only when you are in control of yourself.
- If you don’t validate at first, you can back up and do it over.
- You teach others to use validation by using it yourself as often as possible.
- Who you are is who you choose to be.
- We cannot control others—only ourselves. The phenomenal element of that truth is that when we make changes in our own behavior, others change in response to these changes, without our saying anything about the changes they need to make.
Closing Thoughts:
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not;
charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own,
is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things,
hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.
--1 Corinthians, 14: 1-8